I Think I’m Ready to Leave Now

For a long time, I thought I had to gather every piece of myself before I could go.

I thought I needed to understand everything.
Why things happened the way they did.
Why you said the things you said.
Why some things felt like they could become something, only to lead us somewhere else.

I thought I needed one final answer before I could finally close the door.

But perhaps life had been giving me the answer all along.

I didn't look for it.

I didn't ask about you.
I didn't search for you.
I didn't try to find out what was happening in your life.

And yet, somehow, the news kept finding its way to me.

First, at the end of September, I heard that there was someone in your life. Then, a few days later, another piece of the story found its way to me, almost by accident.

It was strange.

As if the universe knew that I had spent too long standing in the doorway, wondering whether I should stay.

So, little by little, it showed me enough to understand.

Not everything.
Not every detail.
Just enough.

Enough for me to finally say,

“Okay. I understand now.”

You have chosen your path.

And I think, for the first time, I can look at that truth without asking where I would have fit into it.

I hope you are happy.

I hope you become the kind of person you always wanted to be.
I hope you learn from the things that once went wrong.
I hope you grow into someone who knows how to love gently, honestly, and responsibly.

And I hope the person beside you will be someone with whom you can build a peaceful life.

I mean that sincerely.

Not because I am pretending that none of this ever hurt me.

It did.

There were days when I wished things had turned out differently.
There were moments when I wondered whether I should have waited longer, said something differently, or held on a little tighter.

But I don't want to live inside those questions anymore.

I have spent enough time looking at the door behind me.

There is still a little sadness here.
There probably always will be.

But sadness is not a reason to stay.

So I am leaving now.

Not because I stopped caring.
Not because what we had meant nothing.
And not because I suddenly forgot everything.

I am leaving because I finally understand that loving someone does not always mean staying close to them.

Sometimes, love means wishing them well and letting them walk a road that no longer includes you.

I used to ask for a little more time.

Now I think I've had enough.

I've gathered what I can.
I've made peace with what I couldn't.
And the pieces that are still scattered somewhere inside me?

I'll carry them.

I don't need to put everything back exactly the way it was.

I only need to keep walking.

So this is my last goodbye.

Thank you for being part of my story.

Thank you for the things I learned because I knew you.
Thank you for the memories I will keep.
And thank you, even, for the ending I never imagined.

I don't know what the next chapter will look like.

But I trust that Allah does.

Maybe this was His way of gently telling me that I no longer need to wait.

Maybe I had been asking for closure without even realizing it.

And maybe the answer was never supposed to come from you.

Maybe it was supposed to arrive quietly, through life itself, until I finally became ready to hear it.

I don't know what love Allah has written for me.

And for once, I don't feel the need to know.

I only need to keep walking.

To become more of myself.
To build a life I am proud of.
To love the people who are still here.
To keep becoming the woman Allah has intended me to be.

And somewhere ahead of me, there is a life that is mine to live.

A love that is mine to receive.
A person who will choose me without asking me to wait in uncertainty.

I don't know when I will meet him.

And that's okay.

For now, I just want to walk.

So, goodbye.

I think I'm ready now.

The room isn't perfectly empty.
My heart isn't perfectly whole.

But that's okay.

I've packed enough.

It's time to go, Ma.